Getting Them to Do “The Thing”: Understanding Motivation in Neurodivergent Young People

We all know how hard it can be to motivate ourselves at times and it becomes even more complex when we need someone else to do “stuff”. I recently led a discussion with carers of neurodivergent young people where we explored why motivation can be difficult and what might help.

Young people may appear lazy, disinterested, or remote. You might get excuses, resistance, or the classic “I didn’t hear you”. None of this is the full story.

This article highlights some of the themes we discussed and offers strategies to try. Not everything will work for every young person, but these ideas can be a starting point. You’ll know what gets the best response and what causes the least distress for your young person.

It’s also about choosing your battles and asking yourself: Is my request reasonable?

What counts as a task?

Anything that requires the other person to do something. Sometimes even things they usually enjoy - eating, socialising, getting ready - can feel like a task. All of these require energy, processing, and performance.

1. They Don’t Understand the Task

We give an instruction and think we’re being clear. But extra words, unclear sequencing, or unnecessary detail can derail the whole thing.

Example:   I once asked my young person to put the bin by the front door. He’d done it many times. This time, he left it inside the house, blocking the exit. My mistake? I’d added unnecessary detail (“front door”) and shifted his focus.

For young people with processing or motor‑planning difficulties, even simple tasks can become overwhelming.

What to try

• Use fewer words

• Avoid introducing new steps at the wrong moment

• Model or do it alongside them

• Reduce the number of skills required

• Provide resources or workarounds that make the task easier

  
  

2. It’s Too Big

A task that feels like a mountain can trigger panic, refusal, or shutdown.

Example:   A request to “tidy your room” once led to shouting, crying, and kicking. When my young person said, “It’s going to take forever,” I realised, maybe it really felt like forever.

What to try

• Break the task into small, manageable chunks

• Give one instruction at a time

• Offer breaks between steps

  
  

3. It’s Boring

We’ve all been there - adults included.

What to try

• Turn it into a game or race

• Do it together

• Use “when… then…” language

• Explain why it matters

• Offer a reward (we all do this!)

• Link it to their interests

• Add music

  
  

4. They Are Doing Something Else

Monotropism means deep focus can feel like being in another world. Interrupting that world can cause distress.

What to try

• Prepare for transitions

• Use “bridging”: join their world before inviting them out of it

• Use countdowns — or remove time pressure entirely

• Offer choice

• Allow time until they’re ready

• Make a plan in advance for transitions

  
  

5. They Are Unwell or Overwhelmed

Low energy, sensory overload, illness, or burnout can make even simple tasks feel impossible.

What to try

• Leave the task until they’re ready

• Reduce other demands

• Shorten or simplify the task

• Encourage rest before trying again

• Explore their sensory profile

  
  

6. Things Are in the Way

Sometimes the barrier is environmental, not motivational.

What to try

• Reposition items or people to reduce navigation

• Organise the space according to their logic

  
  

7. Too Many Distractions

If everything around them is interesting, regulating, or calling their attention, the task doesn’t stand a chance.

What to try

• Put distracting items away

• Change the space where the task happens

  
  

8. The Task Feels Scary or Unsafe

Past failure, fear, or negative experiences can create avoidance.

What to try

• Go back to basics

• Remind them of past successes

• Create a plan for why it won’t go wrong again

• Acknowledge their feelings

• Set a very small first step

  
  

9. Another Thing Is Easier - or There’s No Personal Reason

If the task feels pointless or irrelevant, motivation disappears.

What to try

• Offer a reward or reason

• Link the task to their interests

• Be clear if it’s a non‑negotiable rule

• Use social stories to explain the “why”

• Empathise where appropriate

  
  

A Few More Thoughts

Transition

Preparation reduces anxiety. For big transitions, consider their basic needs, triggers, and the unasked questions.

What helps:

• When and where they’ll eat

• Photos or videos of where they’ll sleep or who will be there

• Exploring routes on Street View

• Identifying key people

• Providing an agenda (with or without timings)

• Talking about the unexpected

  
  

Demand Avoidance

When everyday expectations feel like demands, even things they want to do can become impossible. This may signal burnout. Before pushing the task, explore what’s contributing to the overwhelm.

Closing Thoughts

Supporting our young people to do “the thing” isn’t about perfect strategies or getting it right every time. It’s about understanding what sits beneath the behaviour, noticing the barriers, and meeting them with curiosity rather than pressure. Every child is different, and what works one day may not work the next, and that’s okay.

If you’ve tried any of these ideas or have your own insights from home, school, or care settings, I’d love to hear them. The more we share, the more we learn, and the better we can support the young people who rely on us.